I opened up my “journal” to start writing and saw an empty entry for April 3. I came to write that day and lost all inspiration. I’ve spent the last 10 days or so searching my heart. Trying to figure out why I can’t find consistency in my writing.

I thought for a long time that it was lack of discipline. Not enough content. I don’t want the blog to become an idol as it had in my past. I don’t want to drive my husband crazy if I failed to meet a certain quota of blog posts per week. A quota that I established myself. A personal torment, sabotage.

But as I searched my heart, I discovered those were just masks for what was truly lurking underneath.

Fear.

It’s at this point that I’m tempted to go play on Facebook in order to avoid facing the art, my heart. The creativity and passion within.

What I really want to write about, what my heart seems to break and bleed over is relationships and marriage. I long for lasting relationships. Not relationships necessarily free from problems or pain, but relationships that persevere. Love that is laborious, tried and true.

Here are the things that really get in my way.

You’re not going to stick with it (the writing) so don’t even start. People don’t want to read about that stuff. Who do you think you are – you think you’re some relationship expert? You’re going to sound like a know-it-all, like you’ve got it all together. It’s not really going to make a difference, why waste the time and energy?

The reality is, I will fail. Some people will likely think negative things about me. I might be misunderstood at times. And I might not make a huge difference. Those are all possibilities and that’s ok.

I’ve decided the dissatisfaction of not doing what I’m passionate about has become too heavy a burden to carry. And for the one person who may read something I write and walk away encouraged, well, they’re worth it. My relationship to Vitaliy is worth it. I want to share my life, my lessons and my heart with you. It’s not that my marriage is perfect and, no, I don’t have it all together. It’s just that I care. If you are in a relationship or if you are married, you want the same thing as I do – you want your love to last. And you may even want your love to make a difference in this world. So, let’s do this together!

What do you think? And be honest! Let’s keep it real. Are you in a relationship that you want to last? Or maybe you have been putting something off that you need to start today. Let’s do it together.

I have not been a fan of April Fool’s Day for many years.

When I was a young girl, I got a brilliant idea for an April Fool’s joke while watching one of my after school programs on TV. I went to bed early that night because I would need to wake up before anyone else to avoid getting caught. I snuck down to the kitchen before the sun came up and completed the task. Then I climbed back in bed, eager with excitement, and tried to lay still until my mom or dad woke me later that morning for school.

With my whole family in the kitchen and breakfast complete, we were all gathering our things to get ready to leave. The anticipation was killing me, but the telephone would not ring. I knew there was no way I could make it through the day without unveiling my genius plan that very moment. I decided the idea itself was brilliant enough and I didn’t need to actually “fool” anyone. So, before anyone took another step, I grabbed the receiver and unveiled my April Fool’s joke. I had lathered the receiver with peanut butter hoping that whoever answered the phone that morning would get an ear full.

Awaiting applause and possibly a standing ovation, I was dismayed to find my mom grow red with anger. There were two things I failed to take into consideration. 1. The phone was brand new and expensive. 2. Peanut Butter is sticky and seeps into small crevices. My plan was further demoralizing when my older brother began making fun of me for my failed plan that landed me in trouble. I went to school that day with a stomach ache of guilt and a bad case of humiliation. I’ve never been a fan of April Fool’s Day since.

For those of you planning an April Fool’s joke today, be nice and just assume peanut butter is irremovable.