Written by Candace on March 24, 2014 | 3 Comments

Physically Present, Mentally Absent

A couple years ago, I got a little creative with my Christmas presents for Vitaliy.

Actually, I’m not sure “creative” is the right word because there was nothing DIY or pretty about it. In fact, it was completely last minute. I grabbed used boxes that were going to be thrown away and I finished wrapping them just moments before we were supposed to open gifts. Like I said, they weren’t pretty, but their value could be measured in love and the words enclosed came straight from my heart.

Inside one of the boxes read a note that said “my mind.” I wanted to gift my mind to Vitaliy because most days I didn’t. Most days I found myself physically present while being mentally absent. Imagine talking to someone only to have them ask you to repeat yourself revealing they were never really listening to you in the first place. I’m sharing this now because it’s something I find myself still struggling with. I run through a host of scenarios in my mind while trying to listen enough to pretend I’m still engaged. If intimacy is all about getting to know the other person more, you can imagine how much this affects my intimacy with Vitaliy.

Along with your thoughts, it’s also very easy to disengage with your spouse by getting on your phone. This is something Vitaliy and I both admit we struggle with and it has caused points of tension for us both. Whether it’s your thoughts, your phone, or something else entirely, it’s important to be aware of the things that could be preventing you from giving your spouse your undivided attention. And if you aren’t really sure, just ask them. Perhaps chat about it on your next date night. I’m praying for you and your relationship in this area. It’s not an easy one. But remember, you’re not alone. Let’s Make Marriage Happen together.

Card and styling by Style Smaller.

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Written by Candace on March 11, 2014 | 2 Comments

Date Idea:
Secret Rendezvous

After some travel of my own, I arrived back home around 1am only to help Vitaliy out the door at 6am for a business trip. We were two ships passing in the night.

After almost a week of being apart, Vitaliy sent me a text message and asked me to cancel my plans for the following day and meet him for a secret rendezvous. After being married for 7 years, it’s very easy to lack spontaneity in the relationship. I was on board for anything with the words “secret rendezvous” in them. I met up with Vitaliy on the central coast in a cute little town called Paso Robles. It was only for a night, but it was just enough time.

I had a million and one reasons why I shouldn’t go. I had to cancel plans with a friend. I had a ton of work to get done. The three hour drive would be a waste of gas money. But at the end of the list, all I could think about was how much more important it was that I go – my marriage deserved and needed the investment. Vitaliy deserved my time and attention. And like I said, he had me at “secret rendezvous”.

Sometimes intimacy requires you drop everything, leave it all behind, and go on a secret rendezvous with the person you love most. If they truly are the most important person in your life, then show them with your actions. I promise it will be worth letting go of everything else. Even if only for a night.

Read more about our Make Marriage Happen series for March: Be intimate.

Library building in Paso Robles downtown park

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Written by Candace on March 4, 2014 | 5 Comments

Be Intimate
Make Marriage Happen

Y’all I have really been dreading this month’s theme. Not the theme itself, but how to discuss it in a way that wouldn’t leave people running away.

The Make Marriage Happen theme for March is “be intimate.” Obviously, when discussing intimacy in marriage you’re going to talk about sex. And when I think about that, all I hear in my thoughts is the 90s anthem “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt-N-Pepa. And then I digress, who wants to hear me talk about sex? It’s too intimate! It’s too private. But it’s also so necessary. Sex is one of the leading causes for marital problems even though it’s meant to be one of the best things about marriage. Why the disconnect?

While I do hope to find a graceful way to discuss sex in marriage, I think there is one important item I hope to express more than anything. Intimacy is not a synonym for sex. Intimacy is about knowing, about being familiar with. While sex is the pinnacle form of intimacy within marriage, I don’t think it should be the only avenue for cultivating intimacy within our marriages. In fact, I think the more intimate we are in other areas of our marriage, the more fulfilling our sex life becomes.

But what I want to explore and discuss more than anything is the true sense of the word “intimacy”. The act of knowing and deeply understanding. Trusting ourselves to each other. To know and be known can be terrifying, and yet intensely beautiful. That is true love isn’t it? to be fully known and still chosen. But I think there is a part of all of us that fears being fully known.

Even as I write this, as I allow myself to be known to you, I’m afraid. But one of my goals this year is to write about things I’m afraid to share. I’m not sharing this for the shock factor or to gain popularity. My hope is that something intensely beautiful will come from me allowing myself to be known. I want to break down the walls I put up in hopes that you’ll be willing to break down yours. I hope someone reading this can relate and find encouragement. To know that we’re not in this alone. Let’s Make Marriage Happen together. And let’s explore ways we can #beintimate in our relationships.

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