Written by Candace on November 13, 2014 | 7 Comments

“Oh, just wait…”

When we first got married, people often told me, “Enjoy the honeymoon phase while it lasts!”

I used to find it so discouraging and I could never understand why people felt the need to tell me this. On top of painting a dreaded pictured of the horror that was supposedly coming down the road, it also made me feel like I was missing something wonderful at the moment. I didn’t start my marriage with the supposedly “honeymoon phase”. We must have missed checking the box for that on our gift registry! We started our marriage in a “grieving phase” having just lost Vitaliy’s parents and little brother in a car accident. We also started with a “parenting phase” as we had just become legal guardians of his 15 year old sister. We lived in a new place, with no family nearby and friends we had only just made. There was nothing “honeymoon” about our life. But it was our life and it was a beautiful mess.

I’m now entering a new chapter of my life and I’ve found that there is a dreaded saying for this chapter too, “Oh, just wait…” You fill in the blank. I’ve lost count with all the ways people have told me my life is about to change…for the bad. And as quickly as they realize what they’ve said, they end it with, but it’s the best thing you’ll ever do in your whole life. I don’t doubt that there is truth to what they say and I’m sure their intentions are not malicious. But I’m always left just as confused as I was after I got married wondering how these things are helpful.

I called my mom crying one afternoon completely distraught after having yet another conversation filled with a string of “Oh, just waits”. Walking into motherhood is overwhelming enough, I don’t need someone forewarning me of all the difficulties that lie ahead. I will soon discover them on my own and figure them out for myself. My mother told me that life would change and some of those changes will be difficult, but it’s just like anything else in life, it’s what you want to make of it.

As soon as she said this, I was reminded of all the “honeymoon phase” warnings. Though they affected me, I didn’t allow them to define my own marriage. And as I work through my own fears of the future, I’m reminding myself of this yet again. Life is what you make of it! We were dealt a very difficult hand to begin our marriage, but we made beautiful things out of our mess. By God’s grace. And as my future fills with sleepless nights and poopy diapers and who knows what else, I’m trusting in that same grace to see me through life’s beautiful messes that lie ahead.

If you are single, quiet the voices telling you that marriage is everything or that marriage is bad. Neither is true. If you are newly married, quiet the voices that tell you to “Enjoy the honeymoon phase while it lasts!” Marriage is a personal journey and yours won’t look like anybody else’s. It will be filled with both beauty and mire, joy and pain, and all of it is worth walking through together. And if you are like me, about to embark on the road of parenthood, let’s quiet all those voices that cause us to fear and take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. Because that’s how life was designed to be walked through anyway.

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Written by Candace on July 30, 2014 | 1 Comment

10 Ways To Infuse More Fun Into Your Marriage

Earlier this month, we recommended finding ways to be more playful in your marriage. Life can sometimes get the best of us. One day you wake up and that person you fell in love with feels more like a business partner than your best friend. You’re managing so many things together such as finances, children, schedules, etc that any ounce of fun gets put on the back burner until things settle down. But life never settles down and your marriage cannot wait. It needs your attention and it needs some relief in the form of some good ol’ fashioned fun. So, let’s get to it!

In case you just feel at a loss for ideas these days, here are some of our tried and true ways to let all the responsibilities go (they’ll be waiting for you when you return) and have some good laughs together. We actually are business partners so we have to make a conscious effort in this area.

10 Ways To Infuse More Fun Into Your Marriage

1. Kids know how to have fun! Go find a kid friendly activity to do together. For example, hitting up the playground at a nearby park will make you feel like two kids again.

2. A little friendly competition always brings out flirting and laughter in Vitaliy and I. Perhaps a little table tennis, kite flying, or board games. Don’t be afraid to get physical!

3. Do a seasonal activity together. A summer carnival riding rides and eating cotton candy, a free concert in the park, or a winter snowball fight.

4. Go on a double date with close friends. Sometimes a little fun with others can go a long way.

5. Break the rules! Put the kids to bed early and make yourselves breakfast for dinner and even eat in bed if you want.

6. Have you been on a bike ride together lately? We don’t do this very often, but when we do, I don’t know why but we always have a ton of fun together.

7. Vitaliy loves making stuff together. For him fun looks like planting a garden, cooking a meal together, or finding some kind of DIY project to accomplish together.

8. Find a deserted or dimly lit street, park your car and make out like teenagers. A friend, married longer than me, gave me this advice once. I’m just sayin’.

9. Get away from your regular routine and daily responsibilities. Perhaps a secret rendezvous?

10. And if none of these are convincing, try one of these out! 10 Ways To Laugh Together

I feel like the constant theme above is staying young at heart together. So, let’s do just that and Make Marriage Happen by adding a bit more playfulness and fun into our relationships.

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Written by Candace on July 17, 2014 | 6 Comments

Making a Case for Date Nights

Sometimes people just say it better. That’s the case today. One of my closest friends, Kris Gurry—you know, the one who said my date night ideas were impractical—is making her case for the importance of date nights in marriage. I’m so thankful to have a friend who has a heart that beats in rhythm with mine. Everything she says is exactly how I feel, but she’s able to communicate it even better than I could. And with even more credibility! That’s right, Kris and her husband Peter have a weekly date night even though they have two children. I’ll hand it over now and let her share how they make it happen.

“It’s date night, Lady!” This is a phrase often repeated by my husband on Friday. It’s not so much a reminder as it is a reassurance. Before we even said “I do,” Peter, in all his fiancé wisdom, declared we would always have a regular date night—the idea, I’m sure, came from some marriage how-to guide. I don’t think either of us knew how central this would become to our relationship. Its regularity has given a rhythm to our week that grounds both us and our kids.

In our 5 years of marriage we’ve achieved one master’s degree, acquired 2 children, and begun the journey towards a PhD. Life has felt very, very full. I’m thankful for my husband’s foresight in establishing the mandate of a weekly day to celebrate our relationship. If it hadn’t happened before the responsibilities of marriage, family, and school took over, it would have been easy to dismiss it as impossible.

Date nights have been regular, yes, but flashy, no. I have gone through times feeling discontent with our predictability, petitioning my husband to try a new hobby together, or just being envious of the spontaneous romance of our friends. There is always the exception here and there, but our typical date night formula looks something like this: popcorn + movie. And not even a movie in a theater, where you should probably put on some lipstick and change out of your yoga pants! That would be a movie on our laptop with the popcorn popped on the stove, in my yoga pants and wool socks.

That equation certainly isn’t revolutionary in the dating realm, but there are several reasons why it is perfect for us. A hot night out at a chic restaurant or a carefully arranged picnic on the beach doesn’t feel feasible right now on a student budget with two toddlers 2 years old and under. Just getting out the door to get library books back on time feels like an accomplishment! The critical thing for us is that we have made a space for dating in our week, and we will fill in that blank with whatever our life allows in each season. For this season it is popcorn and a movie on our couch.

Dinner on Friday isn’t lingered over with the family, and the bedtime routine with our two girls has no frills attached. It goes without saying that our time together is our number one priority that night! We don’t watch TV together as a habit during the week, so sitting on the couch together, with hot, salty, buttery popcorn, icy cold cider, and sleeping children feels about as good as it gets. And isn’t that what a great date should inspire, the feeling that there is nothing else you’d rather do, nowhere else you’d rather be, no one else you’d want by your side?

Dating your spouse is critical to a healthy marriage, placing them on a pedestal above the mundane necessities of life. Do not allow unrealistic expectations or busy schedules to be a barrier to investing in the relationship that you have committed your whole life to. Find what is practical, affordable, and enjoyable to you, and make it a habit!

I’m trying to persuade Kris to contribute more to our blog because I feel like she has a wealth of experience and wisdom to share. So, hopefully you’ll be hearing from her again soon! If not, I’ll just secretly take notes during our Skype dates and then share with you guys what I learn.

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