Y’all I have really been dreading this month’s theme. Not the theme itself, but how to discuss it in a way that wouldn’t leave people running away.

The Make Marriage Happen theme for March is “be intimate.” Obviously, when discussing intimacy in marriage you’re going to talk about sex. And when I think about that, all I hear in my thoughts is the 90s anthem “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt-N-Pepa. And then I digress, who wants to hear me talk about sex? It’s too intimate! It’s too private. But it’s also so necessary. Sex is one of the leading causes for marital problems even though it’s meant to be one of the best things about marriage. Why the disconnect?

While I do hope to find a graceful way to discuss sex in marriage, I think there is one important item I hope to express more than anything. Intimacy is not a synonym for sex. Intimacy is about knowing, about being familiar with. While sex is the pinnacle form of intimacy within marriage, I don’t think it should be the only avenue for cultivating intimacy within our marriages. In fact, I think the more intimate we are in other areas of our marriage, the more fulfilling our sex life becomes.

But what I want to explore and discuss more than anything is the true sense of the word “intimacy”. The act of knowing and deeply understanding. Trusting ourselves to each other. To know and be known can be terrifying, and yet intensely beautiful. That is true love isn’t it? to be fully known and still chosen. But I think there is a part of all of us that fears being fully known.

Even as I write this, as I allow myself to be known to you, I’m afraid. But one of my goals this year is to write about things I’m afraid to share. I’m not sharing this for the shock factor or to gain popularity. My hope is that something intensely beautiful will come from me allowing myself to be known. I want to break down the walls I put up in hopes that you’ll be willing to break down yours. I hope someone reading this can relate and find encouragement. To know that we’re not in this alone. Let’s Make Marriage Happen together. And let’s explore ways we can #beintimate in our relationships.

Vitaliy and I are sitting at a cozy coffee shop in Portland while I write.

This will be our last post in our Make Marriage Happen series for February: Be Affectionate. We wanted to make it good so we spent the last hour talking through ways we already show affection in our relationship and ways that we could improve. To start our conversation, we did a little research and found that the use of the word “affection” has dramatically decreased at the end of the 19th century. Have our acts of affection decreased as well? Let’s hope not. And if they have, let’s turn things around. One marriage at a time.

Affection: expressing love by doing something selfless.

Here are 10 ways to express affection in your relationship. I hope you find them helpful!

1. Listen, don’t offer advice, just listen.
2. Spontaneously hold hands, touch, scratch their back, squeeze, hug, kiss, caress.
3. Cuddle for no reason and see how perfectly your bodies fit together.
4. Anticipate each others needs and act on them before they ask for help.
5. Volunteer to do the very thing you know the other person loathes.
6. When it comes to making love, do the thing you know they enjoy most.
7. Make yourself attractive for each other, just like you did when you were still dating.
8. Maintain eye contact when talking with each other. Look into those eyes and really see inside.
9. Sit next to each other. Be by each others’ side. A posture of togetherness.
10. Follow with trust. Sometimes the best way to love is through entrusting yourself to another.

Make the first move. If you want affection, show affection. Love without expectation. Be selfless. And make marriage happen!