The Deep Waters of Intimacy

Windy surface of the water at sunset

Well, today marks the end of our Make Marriage Happen series for March on intimacy. There were so many more things I wanted to share, but this month definitely got away from me.

I hope you found something encouraging or walked away inspired to try something new in your relationship. Or perhaps what I shared was just a reminder to reinforce what you’re already doing. Wherever you might be in your marriage, I am thankful to have you along on this journey with me. Tomorrow we’ll start a new series for April, but before we do, there is still one more thing I’d like to share for March.

This is written for the person who might be struggling with sexual intimacy within their marriage. I want to be the one to tell you that you are not alone. Though other people may not be willing to open up and talk about their own struggles, I can promise you I’ve been there. In fact, I’m still there. Cultivating true intimacy in your marriage is a journey. One meant to be explored and nurtured throughout your entire marriage. I think one of the reasons for divorce and infidelity is that when the difficulty comes, people give up far too easily. If that’s you, I’m here to tell you, please don’t give up.

Physical intimacy can be like wading through dark and deep waters. It can be scary, daunting, and at times lonely. Marriage is the union of two imperfect people with different experiences, pasts, and pains. All of that has an effect on your intimacy. There are spiritual and emotional ramifications to everything in our lives. As I mentioned in my very first post in this series, intimacy is about knowing. The deeper we know and love each other mentally, emotionally, spiritually, the more pleasurable and enjoyable physical intimacy becomes. You cannot separate these areas in your relationship. They all have an effect on each other.

When Vitaliy and I got married, we were emotionally and spiritually unstable. We were grieving the loss of so many things in life and starting on a journey with too many unknowns to count. We were broken and we were scared. On top of that, I had past experiences prior to dating Vitaliy and walking with Jesus that left me with an unhealthy view of sexual intimacy. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, we were not alone in our marriage to have the kind of privacy most newlyweds get to enjoy. We were also trying to figure out how to care for and provide for a broken-hearted teenager, Vitaliy’s sister. BUT…

There’s always a “but” with God. Because He is good.

Remember I told you that Vitaliy and I agreed at the beginning of our marriage that we would never get divorced and we would never live in an unhappy marriage? Well, you cannot live in a happy marriage and not be fully satisfied with your sex life. So, there were a lot of conversations. A LOT. You can’t “know” the other person if you aren’t communicating. You have to be honest and vulnerable. And there were a lot of tears. Remember, we were both broken and in pain for many different reasons. And there were a lot of prayers. We have to remember that God designed marriage and He wants yours to work just as much as you do. He brought Vitaliy and I together for a reason, many reasons. One of which was to heal us. Because when issues arise in your marriage, the real issues usually run very deep within your own individual hearts. Those deep, dark places where none of us want to go. Go there! Go there with God and go there with each other. And if you need to get help, do it!

Vitaliy and I have been married 7 years. We have come a long way in those 7 years. I’m telling you, if you don’t give up and you work together it really can get so much better. I’ll leave it at that! ;-) But, at the start of this year, we were still seeing similar issues resurfacing. We knew we had exhausted all efforts on our own so we decided to get help. We’ve now been seeing a Christian marriage counselor for the past few months and it has been an incredible experience so far. We actually haven’t done any sessions together yet, because like I mentioned, the issues are most often deeply within. And as far as we’ve come and as great as our intimacy is right now, I know we are only just scratching the surface for all that God has designed for us to enjoy in our marriage.

I’ve been avoiding writing this all month. I wanted to write it in hopes that somebody out there needed to read it, but I also didn’t want to write it because it’s so deeply personal. However, I’m serious about making marriage happen. I want people to live in marriages that make a difference. Marriage can make a difference in your own life. In the life of your family. And in the life of your community. It’s not just about you. What is going on inside of you is having an affect on everyone around you, especially those you love most. If you are not where you want to be personally and in your marriage, don’t let another day go by without doing something about it. Start with a conversation. Say a prayer. Or call a trusted person who you know will be a safe place and a resource of wisdom. And if I can be of any help, please shoot me an email. I’d be more than happy to talk with you or pray for you. You are not alone. Let’s Make Marriage Happen together!

By the way, if you are reading this and you know someone who needs to read it, please be a good friend and share it. Let them know they’re not alone.